As you pussyfoot around with your tinkly-klink
Placing your early morning plates in the sink
Those clanging pots and your coffee cup
Jangle the air as they wake me up 
It's alarming

If it’s cold and crappy, might be time to take a nappy
Have a smoke or a drink or a meal
Breathe in, aaaaaaaaand breathe out
Try your darnedest not to pout
There's a chance it just might change the way you feel

I've gotten older, learned a lot
But I don't think it's funny
When I look down upon myself
All I can see is tummy

My hair is frightening, my face is a mess
My eyes are askew, like I'm under duress
I'm certain the last time I brushed through my hair
If memory serves, that part wasn't there!
Am I smiling insanely?
Am I missing an ear?
My nose is too flat, and I'm starting to fear
That my mirror's reflection as I stand here and primp---
Oh hell! She moved the Picasso---and I'm just a big simp!

When you absolutely have to be there on time
Try sleeping there the night before
In a closet, on a desk, in the hallway, or a shelf
Or just throw a blanket on the floor

It's a sure-fire method to guarantee your presence
When they first open up for the day
In the future at a designated spot you gotta be at
When there's positively no other way

I'm pretty sure I was born with a beard. My parents always told me I was weird.
When I was just a little kid, they never understood anything I did.
They did not want a make-believer, always feeling my forehead trying to find my fever.
A "normal" kid is what they wanted, not an alien being who thought he was haunted. 
I wanted to see a UFO, or brandish a sword like Robin Hood, or scare Edgar Allan Poe.
When I heard the word "lament", I wanted to know what it meant.
But I had too many questions and I always interrupted. 
I wasn't someone they felt could be trusted.

But when I looked inside me, all I saw was a smile. 
And I learned more about me, just by switching the TV dial.
By hand I might add, there were no remotes then.
You probably don't remember way back when.
ABC, NBC, CBS too, I never thought these three were too few.
I salivated over silly, I was flummoxed by funny. 
I never really learned anything about earning money.
Strange, but I like who I am (my beard included, the one to which I earlier alluded)
It seems being silly is why I exist, at least it seems to be near the top of the list.
And yes, I have a serious side as well. 
Though if I had my druthers, that's not a story I would tell.
I'd much rather create smiles, just expressing my views.
If you want that other stuff, you can just turn on the news.

A tuna attorney, being wheeled on a gurney
Told the nurse,"My bite's worse than my bark."
"But I'm gonna need stitches 
near the back of my britches
'cause I just tried to swim with a shark!"

I swear when I get angry
I swear when I'm asleep
I swear I'll whack your bottom
If you make another peep
   I swear when I am  happy
   I swear when hammering nails
   If I can't think of anything else
   I swear when all else fails
I've always been a good boy
I can say the Lord's prayer
There isn't much I'm good at
But I sure know how to swear
   I swear when I am gardening
   Or driving in my truck
   And when I'm falling off a cliff
   I swear I'm out of luck
I swear you make me look good
Just by doing what you do
And with my left hand on the book
It's the truth, I swear to you!
Really, I swear!

Practice makes perfect, that's what they say
That's why I do the same thing every day
Asking myself, have I done a good job?
And can I get more butter for my corn on the cob?
   Corn needs more butter, birds need more seed
   I wish we all could have all that we need
   I'll sit at the table like I know we should do
   Then I'll say "Grace, you make one hell of a stew!"
Practice makes perfect, so I've been told
You can't deny it, be you young or old
There's a reason the seasons change when they do
For better or worse, here's looking at you

Sometimes I go haywire
Sometimes I'm OK
I like chasing rabbits 
Just about every other day
   Some folks think I'm daffy
   Howling at the moon
   If they could see inside my head
   They'd sing a different tune
I'm too long in the bathroom
Much too long in the tooth
If everybody's at the table
I'll go sit in a booth
   I'm not disrespecting 
   Any proper way to be
   I just don't want everybody else 
   Trying to be me    

I’m a conduit for nonsense, a tunnel to tumult
A passageway to parody, a pun without insult
A cavalcade of comedy, a funster in the raw
The Jabberwock for you to mock, where laughter is the law
A harmony for just one voice, the past in present tense
An agile aging acrobat who's balanced on the fence
With floundering fluffle double-talk and vorpal swordsmanship
I'll help you edge along the ledge and wish you a pleasant trip

Sometimes you need an adventure like you've never had before
But don't contemplate the Amazon when all you need is your floor
Get down on your knees, wear rubber boots
Bring a flashlight, nose plugs, and gloves
Explore the murky world beneath your kitchen sink
The adventure that everybody loves

I've been told I have a short attention span
Comparable to that of a gnat
But for a mind that's adrift
I've been given short shrift
'Cause I don't even remember talking about that

The little box is making noise 
that sits atop my dresser
I'll stop it if I want to sleep
a little more or lesser

 1) Locate list of tasks I've been asked to complete
 2) Things I should probably do
 3) Bad habits I've been trying to avoid
 4) Make a list of priorities
 5) Upcoming meetings of Procrastinators Anonymous
 6) Suggested areas I should look into
 7) Books I might want to read
 8) Misunderstandings I haven't thought about in a long while
 9) Arguments I never finished
10) Great ideas I didn't flesh out

I'll eat on a napkin
To save a clean plate
'Cause sometimes I'm just 
Much too anxious to wait
   If it drips on my clothing
   I have to be quick
   Before someone spots me
   Savoring one last lick
Yes, there's always a tattler
Waiting to call me a fool
When I'm just utilizing
The 5-Second Rule

The life of a bear in the woods can't be beat
Nothing too salty, nothing too sweet
But bring one home and prepare for the riot
You just might be an integral part of his diet

There was a pair of underwear just sitting on my bed
But when I turned around I found it on my puppy's head
I lose a lot of stuff like that, almost everything I own
Maybe my next pair of underwear should be in the shape of a bone

Love is the glue that binds the Universe...
But you still need a good Russian Dressing to hold a Reuben together

There's a reason I'm up this early in the morning
You might think it's because I have someplace to go
But children rarely feel this urge
At this time of day to splurge
So I'll only tell you if you really have the need to know

It's to go